Location: West Coast
So it’s Halloween at a major party school a few years ago (I’m not giving any details to protect the innocent) and we’re raging hard at our fraternity (also, remaining nameless.) Halloween is by far the sickest holiday at our school in terms of partying so everyone is getting pretty crazy.. I don’t think I’ve seen so many slutty outfits in my life.
Everyone is pretty blacked out by this point and I’m no exception. I took about a fifth of stoli to the dome and I was definitely feeling it. I was trying to close this polish chick all night (mind you, she competes in ms. poland competitions every year so I was trying hard as fuck… hottest schoolgirl outfit I’ve ever seen.) Anyway, she was feeling me and it was around 2am so I decided to bring her back to the room for a little nightcap.
I roll into my room and everything was pretty normal. In our fraternity, most everyone has roommates and being a sophomore, we had 4 in our room total. We build lofts (bunk beds) with curtains around our beds for privacy so the setup wasn’t too bad. When I walked in, my roommate “John” (I’m changing all of these names) was with his girlfriend and it looked like they were calling it a night (I know, fucking lame.)
My other roommate “Chris” was also in the room still going strong. Chris was a bit of a pothead so he was ripping b-loads at the time and I noticed he had a blonde chick in the bed passed out. At the time, Chris and his girlfriend were on pretty rocky terms and I was seeing this chick over at the house more often.. we nicknamed her “the mistress”. Her and her girlfriends dressed up in diapers and small shirts and went as babies for Halloween.
My fourth roommate “Kevin” was nowhere to be seen. Kevin was from Texas and wild as fuck. He would always roll back into the room around 5am with a random chick or one hell of a story… tonight was no exception so I just expected him to roll into the room in a few hours and wake up everyone up by blasting some dropkick murphy’s and screaming the lyrics “to kiss me, I’m shitfaced.”
Anyway, after chatting up Chris for a bit, me and the polish chick roll into bed… long story short, we mess around but I can’t close… too fucked up to try, so I pass out…
All of a sudden the door slams open… I look over at my clock at it’s 4:45am… Kevin… right on time. I actually didn’t wake up from the door opening, but rather him yelling at the top of his lungs “IT SMELLS LIKE A FUCKING PETTING ZOO IN HERE!!!!!!!” Kevin was with a chick and he turned on the lights. At this point, I think I was the only one actually awake. Kevin ripped open my curtains and asked “dude, why does this room smell like shit?” Usually I’d just tell him to fuck off and go to sleep, but you know what, the room does smell kind of weird… actually, it really does smell like shit. I threw on some shorts and jumped out of bed to check it out.
At this point everyone was woken up in the room besides Chris and his girl. I started to look around the room to see what it could be. We had a bathroom in our room, so maybe there was a problem with the sewage line? Did a pledge leave a mop bucket with dirty water in our room? Kevin, John and I were sniffing the air and the foul stench led us directly to Chris’s bed. Being somewhat considerate, I yelled at Chris to wakeup… Kevin just ripped open the fucking curtains and unveiled the most grisly site we’ve ever laid our eyes on.
First off, when I say the seen was grisly, I’m not fucking lying. It’s an image that I’ll carry around with me for the rest of my life. Little blonde “baby” girl had a bit of an accident… the chick completely dumped all over my buddy’s bed!!!!! This chick was probably 95 pounds, but this dump was at least 10% of her body weight. She was still in her skimpy t-shirt, but had somehow managed to take her diaper off… she was in a thong and shit was literally protruding from the sides of it. She was so blacked out that she was literally rolling in her own feces right next to Chris!
“CHRIS, WAKE THE FUCK UP” we all start to yell. We started shaking him from the other side of the bed, still trying to keep his distance. Man… the look on his face when he work up was classic. I’ve never seen someone get out of bed so shocked and confused in my life. We have to slide out the entire bunk bed to get him safely out the other side.
So there we stand, me, Chris, John and Kevin with our girls all huddled in a corner of the room, just staring at the gruesome situation in Chris’s bed. I couldn’t even describe the smell to you… Anyway, long story short, Chris calls his girlfriend to take care of the situation (yes, his real girlfriend.) I couldn’t fucking believe it… his girl drives all the way from her apartment at 5am to get this girl he’s been sleeping with out of his bed and shower her off.
When she wakes up the girl, the girl is so incoherent and wasted that I thought we were going to have to call the paramedics. Little did we know, she was coked out of her mind and had entirely way too much to drink.
At around 6am, our room has been visited by every brother in the house and I was sleeping by myself in the alumni room (I couldn’t ever think up a bigger cock block.) It takes days, if not weeks for anyone to walk into our room (including us.) The entire room is professionally cleaned and my buddy has to throw out his mattress.
As for our baby friend, last I heard was she dropped out of school a semester after the ordeal and I never heard about her again.
I guess we would have never been in this mess if she just kept her diaper on